Tomorrow is the first day of March :) Only 22 days until my birthday :)
I never realized how lucky i was to have parents like mine until after Morgan was born. They are such a great support system to both me and Morgan. If it wasn't for my parents then I wouldn't be able to go to school, I would have to get a job to be able to take care of Morgan, but they help me. I am very grateful to have them. Some girls in my situation aren't so lucky as to have support like I do.
I'm really grateful for Mommy. Last night when Morgan was crying, and nothing would help her, my mom held her and got her to calm down. And she helps me out, by telling me certain things to do and how to do things. Daddy is also just as helpful. He takes her in the mornings so that I can get her a bottle fixed and what not. He really loves to cart her around also. Yesterday at Wal-Mart he carried her around while my mom and I got stuff and him and Rhaynin got stuff, he wanted her to be with him.
Eventually I plan to get a job, and give my parents some money to kind of repay them for all the help they give me now. I can't get a job yet because I haven't turned 16, but maybe this summer I'll get a job and be able to buy Morgan things. Right now I'm working on saving money that way I can buy Morgan cute little outfits when I find one, and my mom doesn't have to pay for it.
Next weekend we're having a baby shower for my friends and family to come too. Then I'm going back to school next Monday the 8th. :) I'm excited to go back to school to see all my friends and not be closed up in my house. I know that I'm gonna miss Morgan while I'm at school, and she's here at home with Alyssa, but I'll be alright. My doctor said that I could go back to school as soon as I felt I was able to, I want to go this week, but my mom wants me to stay home with Morgan another week to be sure that I have bonded with her. I don't think that has been a problem for me. lol. And she recognizes my voice, when I talk she turns her head towards my voice. :) I really love her so much.
I know that I shouldn't have had her at fifteen, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. All the pain of labor without and epidural was worth it. I'm not saying that I wanna have another baby anytime soon, because I DON'T!!! But, I really do love Morgan and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. When she grows up and looks back on her life, I hope that she will remember having a good, fun life, and will think of me as a good mother. Just like I do mine. I don't know what I would do without my mom. I know that I may have disappointed her in my life a time or two, but I really love her, and I know that she still loves me, and for that I am really grateful. If I didn't have my mom I don't know what I would do.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
February 26, 2010
Morgan is officially two weeks old today, and she is doing great.
I love my best friend Alyssa so much! She had to write an essay for her online college class about someone that she admires. She chose me to write about! She posted it on her blog I read it, and I cried. Then I told my mom to read it and that I cried, halfway through reading it she took her glasses off and wiped the tears from her eyes and said "why'd you cry?" Alyssa said that her mom cried too. I really love her. I never thought that me having a baby at 15 would inspire someone, but she said that I do. I really like that. :)
SO with the Calvin drama...
My mom said that he seems like he's lost at school in the morning, like he looks out of place. I know what she means, because I hate going to school and not being with him, because he was so much of my day, my day is just not the same without him. I looked so forward to seeing him every morning, and kissing and hugging him. And I loved seeing him in 4th period and looking up at him from my computer screen like a little child. I miss going to his locker and putting in his combination--which happens to be my birthday. And most of all about school, I miss walking down the hallway after 6th period and seeing him standing by the lockers outside Mrs. Vaughn's classroom and smiling, then having to look away because I can't help but smile so big, and when I do that, I usually look like an idiot.
I haven't given him his Valentine's present yet. I'm not for sure if I will now...seeing as we aren't really talking very much anymore. My mom doesn't really want me to talk to him, because every time I do I try to act like I'm okay, but I usually start crying when she asks me what he had to say. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about him. He's still such a HUGE part of my thoughts. He said that he doesn't like to call me because he feels like he would be interrupting me taking care of Morgan. But he really isn't I talk to Alyssa on the phone for about an hour each night. I would have plenty of time for him, and he doesn't understand that. He wants it to have just me, not me and Morgan, and he could have that. My mom would take care of Morgan if we were together and he wanted to come over and hang out. But I guess it's whatever.
Speaking of Alyssa, that reminds me..we're getting a horse!!!! YAY!! lol
She's getting a free one from some lady who isnt able to take care of him anymore. His name is Montana, he's 11 years old, and he's high spirited she said. Me and Alyssa are gonna ride him this summer. My mom said that she would take care of Morgan on a weekend if she was sleeping through the night, and I could go to Alyssa's.
Ugh!! this reminds me of that stupid girl telling me that I ruined my life by having a baby at fifteen. I don't think that I did ruin my life. I love my baby girl more than I could even dream of loving any other human being in the world. And even though, I may not be able to go out and hang out all the time, and party, like some teenagers do, I still have a life. I still have school, and friends, and I'm playing soccer, and I might go to prom, if I can find a date that is..
I love my best friend Alyssa so much! She had to write an essay for her online college class about someone that she admires. She chose me to write about! She posted it on her blog I read it, and I cried. Then I told my mom to read it and that I cried, halfway through reading it she took her glasses off and wiped the tears from her eyes and said "why'd you cry?" Alyssa said that her mom cried too. I really love her. I never thought that me having a baby at 15 would inspire someone, but she said that I do. I really like that. :)
SO with the Calvin drama...
My mom said that he seems like he's lost at school in the morning, like he looks out of place. I know what she means, because I hate going to school and not being with him, because he was so much of my day, my day is just not the same without him. I looked so forward to seeing him every morning, and kissing and hugging him. And I loved seeing him in 4th period and looking up at him from my computer screen like a little child. I miss going to his locker and putting in his combination--which happens to be my birthday. And most of all about school, I miss walking down the hallway after 6th period and seeing him standing by the lockers outside Mrs. Vaughn's classroom and smiling, then having to look away because I can't help but smile so big, and when I do that, I usually look like an idiot.
I haven't given him his Valentine's present yet. I'm not for sure if I will now...seeing as we aren't really talking very much anymore. My mom doesn't really want me to talk to him, because every time I do I try to act like I'm okay, but I usually start crying when she asks me what he had to say. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about him. He's still such a HUGE part of my thoughts. He said that he doesn't like to call me because he feels like he would be interrupting me taking care of Morgan. But he really isn't I talk to Alyssa on the phone for about an hour each night. I would have plenty of time for him, and he doesn't understand that. He wants it to have just me, not me and Morgan, and he could have that. My mom would take care of Morgan if we were together and he wanted to come over and hang out. But I guess it's whatever.
Speaking of Alyssa, that reminds me..we're getting a horse!!!! YAY!! lol
She's getting a free one from some lady who isnt able to take care of him anymore. His name is Montana, he's 11 years old, and he's high spirited she said. Me and Alyssa are gonna ride him this summer. My mom said that she would take care of Morgan on a weekend if she was sleeping through the night, and I could go to Alyssa's.
Ugh!! this reminds me of that stupid girl telling me that I ruined my life by having a baby at fifteen. I don't think that I did ruin my life. I love my baby girl more than I could even dream of loving any other human being in the world. And even though, I may not be able to go out and hang out all the time, and party, like some teenagers do, I still have a life. I still have school, and friends, and I'm playing soccer, and I might go to prom, if I can find a date that is..
Monday, February 22, 2010
February 22, 2010
I haven't blogged in like 2 weeks. lol
So, here's what's been going on.
Last Friday (Feb. 12.) Morgan was born at 7:20 am. She weighed 6lbs. 12oz. and was 20in. long.
I started having contractions at 1:15 in the morning so i went upstairs and told my mom and we started getting ready to leave to go to the hospital. We left the house around 2:30am, and got to the hospital in Clarksburg at 4 in the morning. It was snowing--really bad :) lol
I texted Calvin and Alyssa just to let them know that i was going to the hospital. When Calvin got my text it woke him up, which is weird, cause sometimes, even if I call him he doesn't wake up. But he woke up and was like "OMG" I told him not to worry about me that he knew I would be ok. He said that he would pray for me, which really made me happy. Alyssa never did text me back, but she called my mom's cell phone around 5am and they we're coming to the hospital. Alyssa said for some reason she woke up at 5 and looked at her phone and seen my text, she called Rhaynin, here at my house, and then went and woke her mom up and aid "Ayla's at the hospital having the baby." Her mom asked her if they were going Alyssa was just like yeah!
So then they got there 30 minutes after Morgan was born.
When I first held Morgan all I could do was cry. I was just so overwhelmed at seeing her for the first time. It was really something amazing. The love you feel for a baby of your own is different than any other love you could ever feel. And it's really something amazing. :)
I ended up not having any pain medicine because I asked for it, the nurse said that she would go check and then came back and didn't say anything about it. So I asked again about an hour later, and she said it was already too late. So I was just thinking "FML". But it really wasn't that bad until about the last hour of it. My dad was there and held my hand. I was scared, but everything turned out okay. :) My mom said that it scared her when I was pushing because my face was so red. She said it was as red as my hair. lol. My baby doctor walked in just on time, because the one doctor they had didn't know anything at all. Dr. Rahimian walked in and about 2 minutes later Morgan was born. So, thank God for him.
My parents went out later in the day and got me some real food. It wasn't that good becasue it wasn't hot, but it was okay. It was better than the hospital food :p
When they came back in my room I had morgan in the bed with me and we were both asleep. My mom had to take a pic of that. lol. She took TONS of pictures.
&& I completely lost my train of thought, so I'll have to blog again later :) goodbye :)
So, here's what's been going on.
Last Friday (Feb. 12.) Morgan was born at 7:20 am. She weighed 6lbs. 12oz. and was 20in. long.
I started having contractions at 1:15 in the morning so i went upstairs and told my mom and we started getting ready to leave to go to the hospital. We left the house around 2:30am, and got to the hospital in Clarksburg at 4 in the morning. It was snowing--really bad :) lol
I texted Calvin and Alyssa just to let them know that i was going to the hospital. When Calvin got my text it woke him up, which is weird, cause sometimes, even if I call him he doesn't wake up. But he woke up and was like "OMG" I told him not to worry about me that he knew I would be ok. He said that he would pray for me, which really made me happy. Alyssa never did text me back, but she called my mom's cell phone around 5am and they we're coming to the hospital. Alyssa said for some reason she woke up at 5 and looked at her phone and seen my text, she called Rhaynin, here at my house, and then went and woke her mom up and aid "Ayla's at the hospital having the baby." Her mom asked her if they were going Alyssa was just like yeah!
So then they got there 30 minutes after Morgan was born.
When I first held Morgan all I could do was cry. I was just so overwhelmed at seeing her for the first time. It was really something amazing. The love you feel for a baby of your own is different than any other love you could ever feel. And it's really something amazing. :)
I ended up not having any pain medicine because I asked for it, the nurse said that she would go check and then came back and didn't say anything about it. So I asked again about an hour later, and she said it was already too late. So I was just thinking "FML". But it really wasn't that bad until about the last hour of it. My dad was there and held my hand. I was scared, but everything turned out okay. :) My mom said that it scared her when I was pushing because my face was so red. She said it was as red as my hair. lol. My baby doctor walked in just on time, because the one doctor they had didn't know anything at all. Dr. Rahimian walked in and about 2 minutes later Morgan was born. So, thank God for him.
My parents went out later in the day and got me some real food. It wasn't that good becasue it wasn't hot, but it was okay. It was better than the hospital food :p
When they came back in my room I had morgan in the bed with me and we were both asleep. My mom had to take a pic of that. lol. She took TONS of pictures.
&& I completely lost my train of thought, so I'll have to blog again later :) goodbye :)
Monday, February 8, 2010
February 8, 2010 (part 2)
"so as i write this letter & shed my last tear its all for the better that we end this here.lets close this chapter say one last prayer but don't say that you loved me"
So this, is kind of how I feel right now. Calvin told me today that we weren't going to be together. And of course, I got upset, but I didn't let him see me cry. I still think it has a lot to do with his mom. But it's whatever I guess. Maybe I'm more mad that I didn't get my way with this than anything else. I was so sure that we were gonna be together and everything was going to be okay, but I was wrong. I talked to my mom about it, of course, and she said that I shouldn't even be friends with him, because that would be the best. But I want to be friends with him. I just want it to be more than friends. I just hate this. I called him earlier, unknowingly to my mother. We talked for about 20 minutes. He said that he of course talked to him mom about it, which I knew that already. And his mom told him that it's even easier to fall in love with a baby, and he didn't need that at this time in his life. So I of course asked him if he was afraid of that happening, and he said honestly he was a little bit. And that upset me a little bit. Knowing, that part of him is afraid of falling in love with my daughter, and he doesn't want that, so therefore he doesn't want me. I just don't really know what to do about everything.
I told Calvin thought that I needed to know that this was for sure the definite end of us, because I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that we're gonna be okay, and then go back to this. I can't do that, because it is making me miserable. And it's unhealthy. He gave me the answer--yes, and as much as it hurts me I'm gonna have to accept that and move on, so that I'm not miserable forever.
Right now I'm working on getting the pics of us together off of my myspace, and I'm gonna pout them on a disk, that way I'll have them later on. Because I don't want to completely forget about us. I think that may part of me not wanting to let go of us is the fact that Calvin was my first real boyfriend. I mean, I had other boyfriends, that lasted for like a week, and all of them guys were assholes. Calvin has been the best one by far. My parents would even agree to that.
But in order for me to be better able to move on, I'm deleting that stuff on myspace, and facebook. I'm gonna change my relationship status, and I'm gonna give him his stuff back, like his Aeropostale shirt, and the gray long-sleeve shirt of his that I have in my room. I may keep them fora while, but I'm giving them back to him sometime soon. I know that I'm gonna miss this though...
This was something I looked forward to everyday. My favorite part of the school day was always right before 1st period, and right before 7th period. Because I knew Calvin was always waiting for me at those times. SO yeah, this is definitely gonna be missed.
I'm still gonna give him his Valentine's Day Present though, because I bought it for him, I want him to have it. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I cant give him a valentine. But I'm mainly doing it because I already bought it. If I hadn't already gotten it, then I wouldn't have went out and bought him something special. I would still like to have the pink hedge hog from Kroger though, but I guess I'm not getting it. :( lol
I told him that I thought that maybe it would be easier for me to be okay, if we weren't friends, but I didn't want to not be friends. I know, I'm complicated. So for now, I'm gonna try the whole "just friends" thing, and see how it goes. But if I'm not able to be okay, then I don't think we'll be able to stay friends. I think that once Morgan's born though, I'll be able to get over him. Becasue I'll be home with her for a few weeks, and not at school around him or thinking about him as much, cause I will be busy.
My mom thinks that Calvin is making the wrong choice, and he'll realize that someday within the next couple of months or so, but by then it'll be too late. I'm not so sure that he will, and if he does, I'm not so sure it'll be too late for him. Because, I don't think I'm gonna move on, or get a new boyfriend anytime soon..maybe though, I guess we'll see what the future holds.
So this, is kind of how I feel right now. Calvin told me today that we weren't going to be together. And of course, I got upset, but I didn't let him see me cry. I still think it has a lot to do with his mom. But it's whatever I guess. Maybe I'm more mad that I didn't get my way with this than anything else. I was so sure that we were gonna be together and everything was going to be okay, but I was wrong. I talked to my mom about it, of course, and she said that I shouldn't even be friends with him, because that would be the best. But I want to be friends with him. I just want it to be more than friends. I just hate this. I called him earlier, unknowingly to my mother. We talked for about 20 minutes. He said that he of course talked to him mom about it, which I knew that already. And his mom told him that it's even easier to fall in love with a baby, and he didn't need that at this time in his life. So I of course asked him if he was afraid of that happening, and he said honestly he was a little bit. And that upset me a little bit. Knowing, that part of him is afraid of falling in love with my daughter, and he doesn't want that, so therefore he doesn't want me. I just don't really know what to do about everything.
I told Calvin thought that I needed to know that this was for sure the definite end of us, because I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that we're gonna be okay, and then go back to this. I can't do that, because it is making me miserable. And it's unhealthy. He gave me the answer--yes, and as much as it hurts me I'm gonna have to accept that and move on, so that I'm not miserable forever.
Right now I'm working on getting the pics of us together off of my myspace, and I'm gonna pout them on a disk, that way I'll have them later on. Because I don't want to completely forget about us. I think that may part of me not wanting to let go of us is the fact that Calvin was my first real boyfriend. I mean, I had other boyfriends, that lasted for like a week, and all of them guys were assholes. Calvin has been the best one by far. My parents would even agree to that.
But in order for me to be better able to move on, I'm deleting that stuff on myspace, and facebook. I'm gonna change my relationship status, and I'm gonna give him his stuff back, like his Aeropostale shirt, and the gray long-sleeve shirt of his that I have in my room. I may keep them fora while, but I'm giving them back to him sometime soon. I know that I'm gonna miss this though...
This was something I looked forward to everyday. My favorite part of the school day was always right before 1st period, and right before 7th period. Because I knew Calvin was always waiting for me at those times. SO yeah, this is definitely gonna be missed. I'm still gonna give him his Valentine's Day Present though, because I bought it for him, I want him to have it. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I cant give him a valentine. But I'm mainly doing it because I already bought it. If I hadn't already gotten it, then I wouldn't have went out and bought him something special. I would still like to have the pink hedge hog from Kroger though, but I guess I'm not getting it. :( lol
I told him that I thought that maybe it would be easier for me to be okay, if we weren't friends, but I didn't want to not be friends. I know, I'm complicated. So for now, I'm gonna try the whole "just friends" thing, and see how it goes. But if I'm not able to be okay, then I don't think we'll be able to stay friends. I think that once Morgan's born though, I'll be able to get over him. Becasue I'll be home with her for a few weeks, and not at school around him or thinking about him as much, cause I will be busy.
My mom thinks that Calvin is making the wrong choice, and he'll realize that someday within the next couple of months or so, but by then it'll be too late. I'm not so sure that he will, and if he does, I'm not so sure it'll be too late for him. Because, I don't think I'm gonna move on, or get a new boyfriend anytime soon..maybe though, I guess we'll see what the future holds.
February 8, 2010
Last night I called Calvin, and woke him up. lol He was already asleep before 11. lol
Anyways, I told him that he could go back to sleep and I'd see him in the morning and said that hopefully he'll have good news for me. He said that he didn't know.
So the smorning I was texting him and he said that we needed to talk, I of course asked him if i was good or bad, he said that he didn't know, but it was the best choice. I said, I hoped so.
So then I got to school the smorning and we walked upstairs and was tlaking, he said that it was the best choice for us not to be together, becasue in the end it will hurt us both more, than ending things now. Of course, I don't agree, but oh well. He says that he made this choice entirely on his own, so if it's what he wants, then I'm not gonna argue with him about it. When he was telling me this though, he seemed like he was gonna cry, but it's whatever. If its what makes him happy, then I guess I'll find a way to be happy also. Even if it does mean me being miserable.
I think I wa more upset after him telling me this the smorning becasue I was so sure that things were gonna go back to being perfect for us, and then I was wrong. I guess I just got my hopes up too much. I need to quit doing that, because that's what hurts me the most I think. I need to just live my life as I did before. Care about myself only, and not let peple into my life like I did him, that way I can't be hurt by it. If I don't care, and I don't let people into my life like that, then I can't be hurt by them when they leave. Right? I think that's for the best. And Plus, I guess I don't need a boyfriend, I'm gonna have a baby, and she will take up plenty of my time, so I'm sure i won't be bored.
I can't wait until Alyssa comes home, mayeb having my best friend around will help me be okay. Cause then I'll have her around more, and maybe it'll help her too, since she and Josh keep having problems.. My mom said that no one will be able to come to the house until after the baby's born. Because, she doesn't want people there when i go into labor, and then after the baby comes home nobody will be able to come over for about a week or so. That way, we can get Morgan home andget her settled in and a bit of routine started. Maybe me being out of school for a couple weeks, and not being around Calvin will help me.
Anyways, I told him that he could go back to sleep and I'd see him in the morning and said that hopefully he'll have good news for me. He said that he didn't know.
So the smorning I was texting him and he said that we needed to talk, I of course asked him if i was good or bad, he said that he didn't know, but it was the best choice. I said, I hoped so.
So then I got to school the smorning and we walked upstairs and was tlaking, he said that it was the best choice for us not to be together, becasue in the end it will hurt us both more, than ending things now. Of course, I don't agree, but oh well. He says that he made this choice entirely on his own, so if it's what he wants, then I'm not gonna argue with him about it. When he was telling me this though, he seemed like he was gonna cry, but it's whatever. If its what makes him happy, then I guess I'll find a way to be happy also. Even if it does mean me being miserable.
I think I wa more upset after him telling me this the smorning becasue I was so sure that things were gonna go back to being perfect for us, and then I was wrong. I guess I just got my hopes up too much. I need to quit doing that, because that's what hurts me the most I think. I need to just live my life as I did before. Care about myself only, and not let peple into my life like I did him, that way I can't be hurt by it. If I don't care, and I don't let people into my life like that, then I can't be hurt by them when they leave. Right? I think that's for the best. And Plus, I guess I don't need a boyfriend, I'm gonna have a baby, and she will take up plenty of my time, so I'm sure i won't be bored.
I can't wait until Alyssa comes home, mayeb having my best friend around will help me be okay. Cause then I'll have her around more, and maybe it'll help her too, since she and Josh keep having problems.. My mom said that no one will be able to come to the house until after the baby's born. Because, she doesn't want people there when i go into labor, and then after the baby comes home nobody will be able to come over for about a week or so. That way, we can get Morgan home andget her settled in and a bit of routine started. Maybe me being out of school for a couple weeks, and not being around Calvin will help me.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
February 7, 2010
Today has been a pretty good day so far. I haven't got to talk to Calvin yet, hopefully I'll get to before I go to bed, so that I can find something out, about, where we are in our "relationship". He said that he was going to talk to him mom about it, and he wasn't sure what she would say, but it's whatever I guess. I just hope that we can be "us" again. It's weird not being "me and Calvin". Everyone else says the same thing. Everyone seems to think that we are perfect for each other.That makes me really happy to hear that from other people, because I feel the same way :) I just hope that he doesn't allow what his mom thinks to stop him from making his own decision about us.
I got really mad today when I went into my bedroom and seen that my sister had read a note that I had written to Calvin. She probably would have lied about it except for the fact I told her I already knew that she had read it. It was unfolded and laying on my dresser, she claims that it was in the floor, but I know that it wasn't. It was folded up in my caboodle box full of makeup. And when I went to get my clothes to take a shower, it was laying there unfolded. She said that she found it, and her and my mom read it. She said Mommy gave her permission, but I know better than that. It makes me angry that either of them read it, seeing as it's really none of their business what I write to Calvin. And it's especially not Rhaynin's. It's one thing for my mother to read it, it's a whole nother thing for Rhaynin to read it.
Rhaynin keeps getting on my nerves talking about all this stuff that I need to do for Morgan, she doesn't know anything about taking care of a baby, and she is trying to tell me how I will need to do it. I know that I don't know EVERYTHING about a baby, but I know a heck of a lot more than her. I can't use the excuse that I don't know how to take care of a baby, seeing as my mom done daycare, in our home for ten years. I was raised around babies, even newborns, I think the youngest one was about 2 weeks old when she started coming here. So I was always around babies.
She's kinda like my neighbor, except for the neighbor is worse. She has never had any kids of her own, and she tries to tell my mom how to raise us, and how to do things. She comes over here and throws off on us, She tries to tell me how to wear my makeup. Once she brought a pic of Farrah Fawcett over here and told me I should put my make up on like that. I mean, she was a beautiful woman, but I'm not trying to look like her. She just gets really annoying. My mom said it won't do her too much good if she comes over and says something about me, or to me about Morgan. It probably wouldn't do her too good to say something to me especially, because she knows that I'll say something to her, and it won't be very nice. I've said some mean things to her before for saying things to me. So it won't be smart of her to say anything to me.
The superbowl is on, and my dad's watching it. I guess he made bets on it. I don't understand why people get so hyped up about the super bowl, or even football for that matter. I really don't care about it at all. Actually I don't care about hardly any sports and I definitely don't get fired up like people do about them. I like to watch soccer on TV sometimes...but I don't follow any teams, and I don't get excited when the games are on. I just love to play it <3. I actually can't wait until soccer starts! We're gonna get a onesie made with Morgan's name on it, and the soccer logo on it, who knows, possibly my name and number also. I don't really know for sure. I told my mom that I wanted to get Morgan a pair of baby cleets, but she said not until next year. She'd look so cute with cleets, and shin gaurds and a soccer outfit on. :)
Well, I'm kinda tired of doing this, I may write more later :)
bye, for now :)
I got really mad today when I went into my bedroom and seen that my sister had read a note that I had written to Calvin. She probably would have lied about it except for the fact I told her I already knew that she had read it. It was unfolded and laying on my dresser, she claims that it was in the floor, but I know that it wasn't. It was folded up in my caboodle box full of makeup. And when I went to get my clothes to take a shower, it was laying there unfolded. She said that she found it, and her and my mom read it. She said Mommy gave her permission, but I know better than that. It makes me angry that either of them read it, seeing as it's really none of their business what I write to Calvin. And it's especially not Rhaynin's. It's one thing for my mother to read it, it's a whole nother thing for Rhaynin to read it.
Rhaynin keeps getting on my nerves talking about all this stuff that I need to do for Morgan, she doesn't know anything about taking care of a baby, and she is trying to tell me how I will need to do it. I know that I don't know EVERYTHING about a baby, but I know a heck of a lot more than her. I can't use the excuse that I don't know how to take care of a baby, seeing as my mom done daycare, in our home for ten years. I was raised around babies, even newborns, I think the youngest one was about 2 weeks old when she started coming here. So I was always around babies.
She's kinda like my neighbor, except for the neighbor is worse. She has never had any kids of her own, and she tries to tell my mom how to raise us, and how to do things. She comes over here and throws off on us, She tries to tell me how to wear my makeup. Once she brought a pic of Farrah Fawcett over here and told me I should put my make up on like that. I mean, she was a beautiful woman, but I'm not trying to look like her. She just gets really annoying. My mom said it won't do her too much good if she comes over and says something about me, or to me about Morgan. It probably wouldn't do her too good to say something to me especially, because she knows that I'll say something to her, and it won't be very nice. I've said some mean things to her before for saying things to me. So it won't be smart of her to say anything to me.
The superbowl is on, and my dad's watching it. I guess he made bets on it. I don't understand why people get so hyped up about the super bowl, or even football for that matter. I really don't care about it at all. Actually I don't care about hardly any sports and I definitely don't get fired up like people do about them. I like to watch soccer on TV sometimes...but I don't follow any teams, and I don't get excited when the games are on. I just love to play it <3. I actually can't wait until soccer starts! We're gonna get a onesie made with Morgan's name on it, and the soccer logo on it, who knows, possibly my name and number also. I don't really know for sure. I told my mom that I wanted to get Morgan a pair of baby cleets, but she said not until next year. She'd look so cute with cleets, and shin gaurds and a soccer outfit on. :)
Well, I'm kinda tired of doing this, I may write more later :)
bye, for now :)
February 7, 2010
Today has been a pretty good day so far. I haven't got to talk to Calvin yet, hopefully I'll get to before I go to bed, so that I can find something out, about, where we are in our "relationship". He said that he was going to talk to him mom about it, and he wasn't sure what she would say, but it's whatever I guess. I just hope that we can be "us" again. It's weird not being "me and Calvin". Everyone else says the same thing. Everyone seems to think that we are perfect for each other. That makes me really happy to hear that from other people, because I feel the same way :) I just hope that he doesn't allow what his mom thinks to stop him from making his own decision about us.
I got really mad today when I went into my bedroom and seen that my sister had read a note that I had written to Calvin. She probably would have lied about it except for the fact I told her I already knew that she had read it. It was unfolded and laying on my dresser, she claims that it was in the floor, but I know that it wasn't. It was folded up in my caboodle box full of makeup. And when I went to get my clothes to take a shower, it was laying there unfolded. She said that she found it, and her and my mom read it. She said Mommy gave her permission, but I know better than that. It makes me angry that either of them read it, seeing as it's really none of their business what I write to Calvin. And it's especially not Rhaynin's. It's one thing for my mother to read it, it's a whole nother thing for Rhaynin to read it.
Rhaynin keeps getting on my nerves talking about all this stuff that I need to do for Morgan, she doesn't know anything about taking care of a baby, and she is trying to tell me how I will need to do it. I know that I don't know EVERYTHING about a baby, but I know a heck of a lot more than her. I can't use the excuse that I don't know how to take care of a baby, seeing as my mom done daycare, in our home for ten years. I was raised around babies, even newborns, I think the youngest one was about 2 weeks old when she started coming here. So I was always around babies.
She's kinda like my neighbor, except for the neighbor is worse. She has never had any kids of her own, and she tries to tell my mom how to raise us, and how to do things. She comes over here and throws off on us, She tries to tell me how to wear my makeup. Once she brought a pic of Farrah Fawcett over here and told me I should put my make up on like that. I mean, she was a beautiful woman, but I'm not trying to look like her. SHe just gets really annoying. My mom said it won't do her too muc good if she comes over and says something about me, or to me about Morgan.
I got really mad today when I went into my bedroom and seen that my sister had read a note that I had written to Calvin. She probably would have lied about it except for the fact I told her I already knew that she had read it. It was unfolded and laying on my dresser, she claims that it was in the floor, but I know that it wasn't. It was folded up in my caboodle box full of makeup. And when I went to get my clothes to take a shower, it was laying there unfolded. She said that she found it, and her and my mom read it. She said Mommy gave her permission, but I know better than that. It makes me angry that either of them read it, seeing as it's really none of their business what I write to Calvin. And it's especially not Rhaynin's. It's one thing for my mother to read it, it's a whole nother thing for Rhaynin to read it.
Rhaynin keeps getting on my nerves talking about all this stuff that I need to do for Morgan, she doesn't know anything about taking care of a baby, and she is trying to tell me how I will need to do it. I know that I don't know EVERYTHING about a baby, but I know a heck of a lot more than her. I can't use the excuse that I don't know how to take care of a baby, seeing as my mom done daycare, in our home for ten years. I was raised around babies, even newborns, I think the youngest one was about 2 weeks old when she started coming here. So I was always around babies.
She's kinda like my neighbor, except for the neighbor is worse. She has never had any kids of her own, and she tries to tell my mom how to raise us, and how to do things. She comes over here and throws off on us, She tries to tell me how to wear my makeup. Once she brought a pic of Farrah Fawcett over here and told me I should put my make up on like that. I mean, she was a beautiful woman, but I'm not trying to look like her. SHe just gets really annoying. My mom said it won't do her too muc good if she comes over and says something about me, or to me about Morgan.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
February 6, 2010
So things are beginning to look up for me and Calvin, or at least, they seem that way.
I think that we may try to be in a relationship together. We started talking on myspace again tonight, and talking about how much we miss each other, and how miserable we both are without each other. I told him that I really felt like we could be together because the 4 months that we were together, we never argued, and we were always happy. Unlike a lot of people who argue with each other all the time. So we definitely aren't like most high school couples. He said that he would like to think that we could be together and make it work, but with his mom and dad and stuff, and with him gonna be going to college in the fell, we would probably have to break up anyways. But then I told him that regardless of whether or not I was having a baby he would still go off to college, and the original plan for us was to take it one day at a time. And he said that his mom's big thing is the fact that she thinks that I would eventually start to expect him to help me with the baby and take care of her, but I wouldn't because that is in no way his job. Unless, of course, we were going to get married, then I would kinda expect him to step-up, but like I've always said, I'm not looking to marry him, I mean, if that happens, then so be it, but I'm not looking for a husband. He said that e always thinks about me and thinks that I put a love drug or something in his drink while he was here. lol. He's so funny.
He said that he finally got to my blog, I gave him the address, but he was typing it in wrong or something..lol. He said that when he would read the parts about him he would tear up because I would say that he's the best guy I've ever dated, and that he knew I meant it. I've had a lot of shitty boyfriends, and Calvin is by far the best one.
I told him that it would really help me if we at least could try to be together, because that makes me feel like he cares something about our relationship.And also, I feel like it would help both of us, cause then we can at least say that we tried. And if we don't try, then we'll never know and then we'll always be wondering, well, what if it had worked for us. He said that is gonna talk to his mom, but he wouldn't want his dad even knowing about us, because he doesn't even want him to be friends with me. I can understand what his dad is saying, but I think he should be a little more understanding. His dad's big thing is that it was really horrible of me to do that to Calvin, and honestly it was. I'll be the first to admit it, I shouldn't have done that to Calvin, I should have been straight forward with him, but I wasn't. I was selfish and anted to be with him. And Calvin seems to understand that pretty well, and doesn't hold that against me, which makes me happy. But it was wrong of me to do that to him, and I am very sorry for that.
Calvin said that I'm pretty much all he thinks about, and I told him in case he couldn't tell he was all I ever thought about. I mean, look at my blog, and you can see that. He dominates most parts of my blogs. I just hope that things will get better for us.
I told him though, that I couldn't stand the whiplash effect anymore. Like, things start to look up for us, then the next day, they go wayy downhill. I can't handle that emotionally. But hopefully we won't have that.
Well I'm pretty much too happy to type, so I gotta quit, plus I'm kinda tired. so goodnight world :p
I think that we may try to be in a relationship together. We started talking on myspace again tonight, and talking about how much we miss each other, and how miserable we both are without each other. I told him that I really felt like we could be together because the 4 months that we were together, we never argued, and we were always happy. Unlike a lot of people who argue with each other all the time. So we definitely aren't like most high school couples. He said that he would like to think that we could be together and make it work, but with his mom and dad and stuff, and with him gonna be going to college in the fell, we would probably have to break up anyways. But then I told him that regardless of whether or not I was having a baby he would still go off to college, and the original plan for us was to take it one day at a time. And he said that his mom's big thing is the fact that she thinks that I would eventually start to expect him to help me with the baby and take care of her, but I wouldn't because that is in no way his job. Unless, of course, we were going to get married, then I would kinda expect him to step-up, but like I've always said, I'm not looking to marry him, I mean, if that happens, then so be it, but I'm not looking for a husband. He said that e always thinks about me and thinks that I put a love drug or something in his drink while he was here. lol. He's so funny.
He said that he finally got to my blog, I gave him the address, but he was typing it in wrong or something..lol. He said that when he would read the parts about him he would tear up because I would say that he's the best guy I've ever dated, and that he knew I meant it. I've had a lot of shitty boyfriends, and Calvin is by far the best one.
I told him that it would really help me if we at least could try to be together, because that makes me feel like he cares something about our relationship.And also, I feel like it would help both of us, cause then we can at least say that we tried. And if we don't try, then we'll never know and then we'll always be wondering, well, what if it had worked for us. He said that is gonna talk to his mom, but he wouldn't want his dad even knowing about us, because he doesn't even want him to be friends with me. I can understand what his dad is saying, but I think he should be a little more understanding. His dad's big thing is that it was really horrible of me to do that to Calvin, and honestly it was. I'll be the first to admit it, I shouldn't have done that to Calvin, I should have been straight forward with him, but I wasn't. I was selfish and anted to be with him. And Calvin seems to understand that pretty well, and doesn't hold that against me, which makes me happy. But it was wrong of me to do that to him, and I am very sorry for that.
Calvin said that I'm pretty much all he thinks about, and I told him in case he couldn't tell he was all I ever thought about. I mean, look at my blog, and you can see that. He dominates most parts of my blogs. I just hope that things will get better for us.
I told him though, that I couldn't stand the whiplash effect anymore. Like, things start to look up for us, then the next day, they go wayy downhill. I can't handle that emotionally. But hopefully we won't have that.
Well I'm pretty much too happy to type, so I gotta quit, plus I'm kinda tired. so goodnight world :p
Friday, February 5, 2010
February 6, 2010
So it's 1:13 am. Saturday morning. I'm still up, because I'm not tired, and i wanted to write my blog for the day :p lol
Let's see, we didn't have school Friday because they were afraid the weather would get bad, or at least I'm guessing that's why, because it didn't snow, or rain until after school would have let out. But oh well, I'm glad we didn't have school, because I didn't want to get up the smorning and take a shower. Today was exciting here at my house. :P I actually spent most of the day screaming and yelling at my sister. She had to try and start an argument every time I would say something to her. Then when I would tell her to shut up, she would just keep on and on. So I called m mom at work and left her a message on her cell phone. My sister had me so upset today, all I could do was cry. SO my mother wasn't very happy because that could send me into labor.
My hands have been burning really bad today. Ever since I woke up the first time the smorning, they have been burning. It was so bad at one point today that I was crying. I don't know why it's happening either. I tried to put lotion on, and put them under cold water, but it didn't help. They aren't burning as badly now, hopefully the burning will go completely away.
I talked to Calvin for a little while. His mother let him use her phone to call me :) But when he called t he first time I had to tell him that I would call him back later because we were getting ready to eat dinner. So then I calle dhim back after dinner and we talked for a little while. He has his test tomorrow, so he needed to get plenty of rest. He told me that he was happy that I was able to deal with all of this okay. Like, me being pregnant, and us not being together, and everything else. But then I told him, t hat I don't handle it well. I may seem like I'm okay at school, but that's only because I don't like for people to see me cry. Calvin has heard me cry an awful lot, especially lately, but he has only seen me cry once.
And that was the night that I had to tell him I was pregnant. I was so upset. I really didn't want to tell him.
We were actually talking about this earlier. The thing I remember most about that night is me setting on my front porch with him kneeling down in front of me on the sidewalk. Before he left my house, he kissed me, and I told him that I loved him, but he didn't say it back. :( At that minute I knew that we wouldn't be together anymore. He said that it really upsets him to know that I have to go through this, and it kind of makes him mad also. He told me that he still loved me though, it was just beginning to be in a different way. And that really made me cry tonight, because I don't want him to love me in a different way. I want him to be "in-love" with me. But at least he does still love me. I told him what Jessica proposed, about us 'secretly dating', he said that he had honestly thought about that. But I told him that it wouldn't work, because his parents would find out eventually. So I now know that his parents are the primary reason that we can't be together. I jokingly said the other day that's there was nothing wrong with being friends with benefits. He said he had thought about that too, but I told him that I would feel kinda whorish doing that..I asked him what he would do if I just randomly kissed him one day. HE said that he didn't really know what he would do, he would probably kiss me back, but it would shock him.
Sydney sure does know how to make me smile though :) We've been talking on myspace all day pretty much. In our first period Criminal Justice class, we've been learning how to stop and frisk , and handcuff, and search, and all that fun stuff. She commented on one of my pics, and said that she couldn't wait to put me in handcuffs again :P She's so crazy :) I immediately started laughing and smiling when I read that.
Time for me to go to bed, I'll post again later :P
good night :)
Let's see, we didn't have school Friday because they were afraid the weather would get bad, or at least I'm guessing that's why, because it didn't snow, or rain until after school would have let out. But oh well, I'm glad we didn't have school, because I didn't want to get up the smorning and take a shower. Today was exciting here at my house. :P I actually spent most of the day screaming and yelling at my sister. She had to try and start an argument every time I would say something to her. Then when I would tell her to shut up, she would just keep on and on. So I called m mom at work and left her a message on her cell phone. My sister had me so upset today, all I could do was cry. SO my mother wasn't very happy because that could send me into labor.
My hands have been burning really bad today. Ever since I woke up the first time the smorning, they have been burning. It was so bad at one point today that I was crying. I don't know why it's happening either. I tried to put lotion on, and put them under cold water, but it didn't help. They aren't burning as badly now, hopefully the burning will go completely away.
I talked to Calvin for a little while. His mother let him use her phone to call me :) But when he called t he first time I had to tell him that I would call him back later because we were getting ready to eat dinner. So then I calle dhim back after dinner and we talked for a little while. He has his test tomorrow, so he needed to get plenty of rest. He told me that he was happy that I was able to deal with all of this okay. Like, me being pregnant, and us not being together, and everything else. But then I told him, t hat I don't handle it well. I may seem like I'm okay at school, but that's only because I don't like for people to see me cry. Calvin has heard me cry an awful lot, especially lately, but he has only seen me cry once.
And that was the night that I had to tell him I was pregnant. I was so upset. I really didn't want to tell him.
We were actually talking about this earlier. The thing I remember most about that night is me setting on my front porch with him kneeling down in front of me on the sidewalk. Before he left my house, he kissed me, and I told him that I loved him, but he didn't say it back. :( At that minute I knew that we wouldn't be together anymore. He said that it really upsets him to know that I have to go through this, and it kind of makes him mad also. He told me that he still loved me though, it was just beginning to be in a different way. And that really made me cry tonight, because I don't want him to love me in a different way. I want him to be "in-love" with me. But at least he does still love me. I told him what Jessica proposed, about us 'secretly dating', he said that he had honestly thought about that. But I told him that it wouldn't work, because his parents would find out eventually. So I now know that his parents are the primary reason that we can't be together. I jokingly said the other day that's there was nothing wrong with being friends with benefits. He said he had thought about that too, but I told him that I would feel kinda whorish doing that..I asked him what he would do if I just randomly kissed him one day. HE said that he didn't really know what he would do, he would probably kiss me back, but it would shock him.
Sydney sure does know how to make me smile though :) We've been talking on myspace all day pretty much. In our first period Criminal Justice class, we've been learning how to stop and frisk , and handcuff, and search, and all that fun stuff. She commented on one of my pics, and said that she couldn't wait to put me in handcuffs again :P She's so crazy :) I immediately started laughing and smiling when I read that.
Time for me to go to bed, I'll post again later :P
good night :)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
February 4, 2010 (number 2)
La tee dah....let's see, what's going on?
Well, my best friend Alyssa is going to come back home :) I'm kinda happy, because she'll be able to spend more time with me, and she's kinda happy because of that, and she won't be in school. But under the circumstances, it
s not exactly the best right now.. But at least we'll get to spend more time with each other, since she went off to college in August, we have hardly got to spend any time together. We spent a few days together during her Christmas Break, and she has been here a few nights, but other than that, we haven't got to hang out at all. And I miss her..I love her so much :) lol
My mom seems to think that the baby will be born next weekend, because the moon is going to change then, but i really don't know. All I know is, that I DON'T want ANY part of it happening at school. I wanna be at home, or even in the vehicle..lol when it happens, because for something like that to happen at school, would be so embarrassing. And I don't need anymore of that. I think being fat and pregnant at 15, and still in high school is enough embarrassment for one person to have to deal with. Today during 7th period, Jessica and Brittany we're joking around and told me that if I went into labor while at school, during 7th period, then they would just run everyone out of the room, and shove everything off Mrs. White's desk and they would deliver the baby. They are INSANE!!! I wouldn't trust them to give me stitches, let alone help me with child birth...lol. They are really excited for the baby to be born. And that kind of helps me to be okay.
Part of me wishes that Calvin would be a little happier for me, but every time I say anything about the baby he seems to get really upset, he doesn't talk and he just kinda...sets there..and that upsets me..My younger sister Rhaynin is really getting on my nerves a lot lately also. She got grounded because she got kicked ot of school, so she has to clean the house and do all that fun stuff. She hasn't done any of her chores at all this week, and with us having 6 dogs..the floor gets kinda dirty. So the sevening I swept the floor in the dining room a little bit and told her that I didn't mind helping her a little bit, but I would NOT clean the bedroom, at all. Because for the simple reason, the last time it got cleaned, I cleaned it. 100% clean. And she didn't help do anything. She has piles of clothes in the floor and her bed is piled full of clothes, and she told me to clean it up. I'm not doing it! She gets mad because my dad yells at her for not doing her chores, but she doesn't offer to do any of them, it would be different if she actually made half an effort to do anything, but she is too lazy and whiny about everything. She completely refused to dust a shelf that my mom told her needed dusted, and her reason for it was that she doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking something. She whines all the time. Anytime anyone says something to her, we are either bossing her, trying to start an argument, or being mean to her. I think all she knows how to do is whine about stuff. She's too lazy to even rinse the dishes off and put them in the dishwasher so that they can be cleaned right. She doesn't even have to hand wash them, and she still cries and whines about cleaning the kitchen. She doesn't wipe the counters off.
I need to start working on My "Lord of the Flies" project. It's the book that we are currently reading in English class and for my project I'm going to create a game board. I have to make it just like a regular game and I can't use commercial game pieces for it. Everything has to be original. It's a trivia game and we can use the questions off of our study guides, so it's going to be easy. And plus, I like to be creative. so I can do this :) And It's not due until March 5th, so I'll have time to do it, even if I'm not in school. I know that the baby will be born before then. And I'll be home, with her for a little while so I'll have time to do it, even though I'll have a baby to deal with. I mean, it's not like I'll have to be carrying her around 24/7, but I have a feeling that she will be held a lot. lol
Well, I'm going to bed so that I can get up in te morning and take a shower, and possibly eat something that's halfway edible for breakfast instead of nasty school food :)
Goodnight world :)
Well, my best friend Alyssa is going to come back home :) I'm kinda happy, because she'll be able to spend more time with me, and she's kinda happy because of that, and she won't be in school. But under the circumstances, it
s not exactly the best right now.. But at least we'll get to spend more time with each other, since she went off to college in August, we have hardly got to spend any time together. We spent a few days together during her Christmas Break, and she has been here a few nights, but other than that, we haven't got to hang out at all. And I miss her..I love her so much :) lol
My mom seems to think that the baby will be born next weekend, because the moon is going to change then, but i really don't know. All I know is, that I DON'T want ANY part of it happening at school. I wanna be at home, or even in the vehicle..lol when it happens, because for something like that to happen at school, would be so embarrassing. And I don't need anymore of that. I think being fat and pregnant at 15, and still in high school is enough embarrassment for one person to have to deal with. Today during 7th period, Jessica and Brittany we're joking around and told me that if I went into labor while at school, during 7th period, then they would just run everyone out of the room, and shove everything off Mrs. White's desk and they would deliver the baby. They are INSANE!!! I wouldn't trust them to give me stitches, let alone help me with child birth...lol. They are really excited for the baby to be born. And that kind of helps me to be okay.
Part of me wishes that Calvin would be a little happier for me, but every time I say anything about the baby he seems to get really upset, he doesn't talk and he just kinda...sets there..and that upsets me..My younger sister Rhaynin is really getting on my nerves a lot lately also. She got grounded because she got kicked ot of school, so she has to clean the house and do all that fun stuff. She hasn't done any of her chores at all this week, and with us having 6 dogs..the floor gets kinda dirty. So the sevening I swept the floor in the dining room a little bit and told her that I didn't mind helping her a little bit, but I would NOT clean the bedroom, at all. Because for the simple reason, the last time it got cleaned, I cleaned it. 100% clean. And she didn't help do anything. She has piles of clothes in the floor and her bed is piled full of clothes, and she told me to clean it up. I'm not doing it! She gets mad because my dad yells at her for not doing her chores, but she doesn't offer to do any of them, it would be different if she actually made half an effort to do anything, but she is too lazy and whiny about everything. She completely refused to dust a shelf that my mom told her needed dusted, and her reason for it was that she doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking something. She whines all the time. Anytime anyone says something to her, we are either bossing her, trying to start an argument, or being mean to her. I think all she knows how to do is whine about stuff. She's too lazy to even rinse the dishes off and put them in the dishwasher so that they can be cleaned right. She doesn't even have to hand wash them, and she still cries and whines about cleaning the kitchen. She doesn't wipe the counters off.
I need to start working on My "Lord of the Flies" project. It's the book that we are currently reading in English class and for my project I'm going to create a game board. I have to make it just like a regular game and I can't use commercial game pieces for it. Everything has to be original. It's a trivia game and we can use the questions off of our study guides, so it's going to be easy. And plus, I like to be creative. so I can do this :) And It's not due until March 5th, so I'll have time to do it, even if I'm not in school. I know that the baby will be born before then. And I'll be home, with her for a little while so I'll have time to do it, even though I'll have a baby to deal with. I mean, it's not like I'll have to be carrying her around 24/7, but I have a feeling that she will be held a lot. lol
Well, I'm going to bed so that I can get up in te morning and take a shower, and possibly eat something that's halfway edible for breakfast instead of nasty school food :)
Goodnight world :)
February 4, 2010
Today has been an overall pretty good day. Well, for me anyways.. Today actually makes 2 years since my grandma on my mom's side died. I miss her so much, but this year has been better than last year. My mom said that she wold almost have liked to see the baby born today, to turn a negative into a positive...well kinda..based on the way we remember February 4th. It would make it a happier day.
I spent lunch with Calvin again today, well most of it. He came and set on the bench like he does everyday after he finishes eating lunch in the cafeteria. And I was honestly okay. It was great setting with him and just being around him. I didn't feel upset about us not being boyfriend and girlfriend. So I think I may just be okay. We actually took a few pictures together on my cell phone, which I'm glad, because I now have a background on my phone rather than one of the ones that come on the phone. I really enjoy looking at pics of us together, you can really tell how happy we are. Everyone keeps saying that we should just be together, cause it's like we are anyways. We are always together, we talk on the phone, hopefully he'll be able to come over to the house, we hang out at school, the only thing we don't do is kiss and hold hands. But I think I may be okay.
I might write more later, gotta go now, because I'm in 8th Period Biology Class, and the bell to go home is about to ring :)
Good bye for now :)
I'm back now! It's 5:45 in the evening now. I'm setting here at the house listening to me dad argue with the cell phone company..oh the joy of modern technology :) lol.
To me today has really been great. Haha, the smorning on the intercom, they wish people happy birthdays every morning, someone went to the office and wrote for them to wish "Happy Birthday to Mike Hunt, from Ben Dover". It was so funny. Everybody just busted out laughing. It actually took me a little bit to get the Mike Hunt part..lol...I'm a bit slow sometimes..lol.
My grandma had to go to the hospital for a possible stroke the sevening. I hope that she will be okay. Right now they're running tests on her and stuff, and they're gonna keep her over night I guess. My mo is going to go visit her for a few minutes in a little while, I might go with her.
A couple of my friends have been asking me if I'm scared to have a baby. Of course I am scared, I'm actually terrified. I have never been through something like this, and to be going through it at such a young age probably doesn't help matters. But I know that I have plenty of support from my family and friends.
Time for me to go, I'll write more later.
I spent lunch with Calvin again today, well most of it. He came and set on the bench like he does everyday after he finishes eating lunch in the cafeteria. And I was honestly okay. It was great setting with him and just being around him. I didn't feel upset about us not being boyfriend and girlfriend. So I think I may just be okay. We actually took a few pictures together on my cell phone, which I'm glad, because I now have a background on my phone rather than one of the ones that come on the phone. I really enjoy looking at pics of us together, you can really tell how happy we are. Everyone keeps saying that we should just be together, cause it's like we are anyways. We are always together, we talk on the phone, hopefully he'll be able to come over to the house, we hang out at school, the only thing we don't do is kiss and hold hands. But I think I may be okay.
I might write more later, gotta go now, because I'm in 8th Period Biology Class, and the bell to go home is about to ring :)
Good bye for now :)
I'm back now! It's 5:45 in the evening now. I'm setting here at the house listening to me dad argue with the cell phone company..oh the joy of modern technology :) lol.
To me today has really been great. Haha, the smorning on the intercom, they wish people happy birthdays every morning, someone went to the office and wrote for them to wish "Happy Birthday to Mike Hunt, from Ben Dover". It was so funny. Everybody just busted out laughing. It actually took me a little bit to get the Mike Hunt part..lol...I'm a bit slow sometimes..lol.
My grandma had to go to the hospital for a possible stroke the sevening. I hope that she will be okay. Right now they're running tests on her and stuff, and they're gonna keep her over night I guess. My mo is going to go visit her for a few minutes in a little while, I might go with her.
A couple of my friends have been asking me if I'm scared to have a baby. Of course I am scared, I'm actually terrified. I have never been through something like this, and to be going through it at such a young age probably doesn't help matters. But I know that I have plenty of support from my family and friends.
Time for me to go, I'll write more later.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
February 3, 2010
This is my first blog, so please bare with me. How about I start off with letting you get to know me a little bit?
My name is Ayla, I'm 15 years old. I'm a sophomore in high school at Braxton County High School, which is possibly the worst school in the world. There is so much drama that goes on in such a small school. I hate most all girls. I actually used to joke with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) that I was sexist towards girls. I hate most all of them. lol Most all of my friends are all guys, except for my very best friend in the world, Alyssa :) I love her and don't know what i would do without her.
My life is crazy. Most people think that they know me, but really only a few people know anything about me. I'm actually 9 months pregnant right now, so yes, i could have a baby at any minute. They don't know my actual due date, which sucks...because I'm still going to school everyday and living my daily routine life. The original date, based on my period, was Feb 4th., as in like..tomorrow(thursday). But now, the date has been changed to March 5th, judging by the ultrasound. But there's no way that it'll be that long. I have another ultrasound next Friday..if I don't have the baby before then..lol, and that will give them a better idea.
The baby is a girl and her name is going to be Morgan Dawn Paige. Morgan comes from my grandpa, Dawn, comes from me, and my grandma, and Paige comes from my best friend. I am really scared to go through this, I mean, what halfway sane person wouldn't be? But at the same time, I am beginning to get more and more excited about her coming everyday. She is going to be so spoiled. I worry that with me being so young if I'll be a good mother to her. Everyone seems to think that I'll be great, but I'm nervous. I am gonna have to support another human being, one that's part of me, she's my daughter, and I'm her mother. It's just all overwhelming to me.
I had a boyfriend, previously mentioned above. His name was Calvin Barnett. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met in my life, and I mean that. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, and the relationship we had was also my longest, even thought it only lasted 4 months. The 4 months we were together were amazing, perhaps the happiest times of my life. I know 4 months isn't a long time to date someone really, but for me, 4 months with a guy, that's a long time. I've had tons of boyfriends, but Calvin was my first true boyfriend, and first true love. He's t he only boy I have ever said "I love you" to and meant it, and the only one I've eveer said it first. Most of the time, a guy says "I love you" and I dont wanna be mean, so I automatically say "I love you too", and never truly mean it. Most of my relationships lasted about 2-3 weeks tops. And they weren't great, happy relationships. My boyfriends and I would argue and fight all the time, Calvin and I never done that. We never had disagreements really, except for when it came to the Bible and God, but we never fought over anything. We just kind of debated about the Bible. The only time I was ever truly upset with him about anything was when I found out he had been looking at porn. To me, looking at porn just isn't right, it's not something that you should do, especially if you're in a relationship. And that's not really why I got upset, I know and understand that guys look at porn. I got upset because I felt like I had been lied to, because before I found this out, I had asked him before if he was still doing it, and he had told me no. So then I found out that he had, and i was really upset. But I got over that in just a little bit, actually the next day I was alright. He was never upset with me except for once. And that was it, our whole relationship was great.
We only broke up because I'm having a baby. At first he said the reason was because he felt that it would be best for both me and the baby if we weren't together that way I could focus all my attention on the baby. He felt like I wouldn't have time to be with him at all, I would be busy 24/7 with the baby. I told him my parents are gonna help me take care of her, and if he came over to hang out, we could still be us, it would just be a little bit different. And he's given me other reasons for it, but recently I have began to believe that the main reason for us not being able to be together is his parents. I know that this parents judge me and have said things about me, and it hurts, because they don't even know me. But I guess that I'll have to learn to live with that kind of stuff, cause people are always gonna do that.
Me and Calvin are still really great friends, but I still want it to be more than that. And even if I know that it can't I'll settle for being just friends, because to me, being just friends is better than nothing at all, and that gives me a little bit of hop that maybe we can be together again sometime. But part of me also thinks that if maybe we weren't friends, then it would be a LOT easier on me, with getting over him, moving on and being okay, cause with us being 'just friends' I still want more, and I have to pretend like I'm ok, when in reality I just wanna break down and cry. That's all I accomplish anytime we talk on the phone it seems. Tonight wasn't as bad though, I cried a little bit, but then we just kinda started reminiscing about the happy, wonderful things in our relationship.
Calvin was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I was also his first 'real' girlfriend. When we got together, Calvin had never even kissed a girl. It was so cute :) It was kinda weird for me at first, being with him, cause I'd never dated a guy like that. But things turned out great. We were talking about everything in our relationship, and how i remember all the tiny little details, and the things that happened. I remember our very first kiss. We were standing outside Mr. Rollyson's classroom, Calvin's first period class, and he kissed me. It was awkward, but I loved it. Calvin said that he was so nervous that day, he was worried that I would think he was a bad kisser. And he brought up the time that he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, that was before we started going out, but only by like, a few days.
It was a half day of school, homecoming game that night, so it was a Friday. He is in my 4th period class, and after the pep rally we were sent back to 4th period, he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, kinda hard, it hurt. lol Everyhitng about our relationship was wonderful I remember, well my mom reminded me of this, but I remembered it once she did, that one day when we went into Kroger after soccer practice (Calvin works at Kroger.) Calvin was working and when I seen him I told my mom that he was gonna be my next boyfriend, my mom was just like yeah, whatever Ayla. But I was right. He became my boyfriend shortly after that. :) I just wish that everything could go back to how it was with us before. I think that if we had ended on different terms, like one of us began to hate the other, then it wouldn't be so hard, but the emotional attachment that's between us is still so great and so strong, it makes it harder on both of us.
Well, I'm beginning to get kinda tired, so I'm done blogging for the night. Goodnight world :)
My name is Ayla, I'm 15 years old. I'm a sophomore in high school at Braxton County High School, which is possibly the worst school in the world. There is so much drama that goes on in such a small school. I hate most all girls. I actually used to joke with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) that I was sexist towards girls. I hate most all of them. lol Most all of my friends are all guys, except for my very best friend in the world, Alyssa :) I love her and don't know what i would do without her.
My life is crazy. Most people think that they know me, but really only a few people know anything about me. I'm actually 9 months pregnant right now, so yes, i could have a baby at any minute. They don't know my actual due date, which sucks...because I'm still going to school everyday and living my daily routine life. The original date, based on my period, was Feb 4th., as in like..tomorrow(thursday). But now, the date has been changed to March 5th, judging by the ultrasound. But there's no way that it'll be that long. I have another ultrasound next Friday..if I don't have the baby before then..lol, and that will give them a better idea.
The baby is a girl and her name is going to be Morgan Dawn Paige. Morgan comes from my grandpa, Dawn, comes from me, and my grandma, and Paige comes from my best friend. I am really scared to go through this, I mean, what halfway sane person wouldn't be? But at the same time, I am beginning to get more and more excited about her coming everyday. She is going to be so spoiled. I worry that with me being so young if I'll be a good mother to her. Everyone seems to think that I'll be great, but I'm nervous. I am gonna have to support another human being, one that's part of me, she's my daughter, and I'm her mother. It's just all overwhelming to me.
I had a boyfriend, previously mentioned above. His name was Calvin Barnett. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met in my life, and I mean that. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, and the relationship we had was also my longest, even thought it only lasted 4 months. The 4 months we were together were amazing, perhaps the happiest times of my life. I know 4 months isn't a long time to date someone really, but for me, 4 months with a guy, that's a long time. I've had tons of boyfriends, but Calvin was my first true boyfriend, and first true love. He's t he only boy I have ever said "I love you" to and meant it, and the only one I've eveer said it first. Most of the time, a guy says "I love you" and I dont wanna be mean, so I automatically say "I love you too", and never truly mean it. Most of my relationships lasted about 2-3 weeks tops. And they weren't great, happy relationships. My boyfriends and I would argue and fight all the time, Calvin and I never done that. We never had disagreements really, except for when it came to the Bible and God, but we never fought over anything. We just kind of debated about the Bible. The only time I was ever truly upset with him about anything was when I found out he had been looking at porn. To me, looking at porn just isn't right, it's not something that you should do, especially if you're in a relationship. And that's not really why I got upset, I know and understand that guys look at porn. I got upset because I felt like I had been lied to, because before I found this out, I had asked him before if he was still doing it, and he had told me no. So then I found out that he had, and i was really upset. But I got over that in just a little bit, actually the next day I was alright. He was never upset with me except for once. And that was it, our whole relationship was great.
We only broke up because I'm having a baby. At first he said the reason was because he felt that it would be best for both me and the baby if we weren't together that way I could focus all my attention on the baby. He felt like I wouldn't have time to be with him at all, I would be busy 24/7 with the baby. I told him my parents are gonna help me take care of her, and if he came over to hang out, we could still be us, it would just be a little bit different. And he's given me other reasons for it, but recently I have began to believe that the main reason for us not being able to be together is his parents. I know that this parents judge me and have said things about me, and it hurts, because they don't even know me. But I guess that I'll have to learn to live with that kind of stuff, cause people are always gonna do that.
Me and Calvin are still really great friends, but I still want it to be more than that. And even if I know that it can't I'll settle for being just friends, because to me, being just friends is better than nothing at all, and that gives me a little bit of hop that maybe we can be together again sometime. But part of me also thinks that if maybe we weren't friends, then it would be a LOT easier on me, with getting over him, moving on and being okay, cause with us being 'just friends' I still want more, and I have to pretend like I'm ok, when in reality I just wanna break down and cry. That's all I accomplish anytime we talk on the phone it seems. Tonight wasn't as bad though, I cried a little bit, but then we just kinda started reminiscing about the happy, wonderful things in our relationship.
Calvin was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I was also his first 'real' girlfriend. When we got together, Calvin had never even kissed a girl. It was so cute :) It was kinda weird for me at first, being with him, cause I'd never dated a guy like that. But things turned out great. We were talking about everything in our relationship, and how i remember all the tiny little details, and the things that happened. I remember our very first kiss. We were standing outside Mr. Rollyson's classroom, Calvin's first period class, and he kissed me. It was awkward, but I loved it. Calvin said that he was so nervous that day, he was worried that I would think he was a bad kisser. And he brought up the time that he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, that was before we started going out, but only by like, a few days.
It was a half day of school, homecoming game that night, so it was a Friday. He is in my 4th period class, and after the pep rally we were sent back to 4th period, he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, kinda hard, it hurt. lol Everyhitng about our relationship was wonderful I remember, well my mom reminded me of this, but I remembered it once she did, that one day when we went into Kroger after soccer practice (Calvin works at Kroger.) Calvin was working and when I seen him I told my mom that he was gonna be my next boyfriend, my mom was just like yeah, whatever Ayla. But I was right. He became my boyfriend shortly after that. :) I just wish that everything could go back to how it was with us before. I think that if we had ended on different terms, like one of us began to hate the other, then it wouldn't be so hard, but the emotional attachment that's between us is still so great and so strong, it makes it harder on both of us.
Well, I'm beginning to get kinda tired, so I'm done blogging for the night. Goodnight world :)
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