So this, is kind of how I feel right now. Calvin told me today that we weren't going to be together. And of course, I got upset, but I didn't let him see me cry. I still think it has a lot to do with his mom. But it's whatever I guess. Maybe I'm more mad that I didn't get my way with this than anything else. I was so sure that we were gonna be together and everything was going to be okay, but I was wrong. I talked to my mom about it, of course, and she said that I shouldn't even be friends with him, because that would be the best. But I want to be friends with him. I just want it to be more than friends. I just hate this. I called him earlier, unknowingly to my mother. We talked for about 20 minutes. He said that he of course talked to him mom about it, which I knew that already. And his mom told him that it's even easier to fall in love with a baby, and he didn't need that at this time in his life. So I of course asked him if he was afraid of that happening, and he said honestly he was a little bit. And that upset me a little bit. Knowing, that part of him is afraid of falling in love with my daughter, and he doesn't want that, so therefore he doesn't want me. I just don't really know what to do about everything.
I told Calvin thought that I needed to know that this was for sure the definite end of us, because I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that we're gonna be okay, and then go back to this. I can't do that, because it is making me miserable. And it's unhealthy. He gave me the answer--yes, and as much as it hurts me I'm gonna have to accept that and move on, so that I'm not miserable forever.
Right now I'm working on getting the pics of us together off of my myspace, and I'm gonna pout them on a disk, that way I'll have them later on. Because I don't want to completely forget about us. I think that may part of me not wanting to let go of us is the fact that Calvin was my first real boyfriend. I mean, I had other boyfriends, that lasted for like a week, and all of them guys were assholes. Calvin has been the best one by far. My parents would even agree to that.
But in order for me to be better able to move on, I'm deleting that stuff on myspace, and facebook. I'm gonna change my relationship status, and I'm gonna give him his stuff back, like his Aeropostale shirt, and the gray long-sleeve shirt of his that I have in my room. I may keep them fora while, but I'm giving them back to him sometime soon. I know that I'm gonna miss this though...
This was something I looked forward to everyday. My favorite part of the school day was always right before 1st period, and right before 7th period. Because I knew Calvin was always waiting for me at those times. SO yeah, this is definitely gonna be missed. I'm still gonna give him his Valentine's Day Present though, because I bought it for him, I want him to have it. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I cant give him a valentine. But I'm mainly doing it because I already bought it. If I hadn't already gotten it, then I wouldn't have went out and bought him something special. I would still like to have the pink hedge hog from Kroger though, but I guess I'm not getting it. :( lol
I told him that I thought that maybe it would be easier for me to be okay, if we weren't friends, but I didn't want to not be friends. I know, I'm complicated. So for now, I'm gonna try the whole "just friends" thing, and see how it goes. But if I'm not able to be okay, then I don't think we'll be able to stay friends. I think that once Morgan's born though, I'll be able to get over him. Becasue I'll be home with her for a few weeks, and not at school around him or thinking about him as much, cause I will be busy.
My mom thinks that Calvin is making the wrong choice, and he'll realize that someday within the next couple of months or so, but by then it'll be too late. I'm not so sure that he will, and if he does, I'm not so sure it'll be too late for him. Because, I don't think I'm gonna move on, or get a new boyfriend anytime soon..maybe though, I guess we'll see what the future holds.
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