February 3, 2010

This is my first blog, so please bare with me. How about I start off with letting you get to know me a little bit?

My name is Ayla, I'm 15 years old. I'm a sophomore in high school at Braxton County High School, which is possibly the worst school in the world. There is so much drama that goes on in such a small school. I hate most all girls. I actually used to joke with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) that I was sexist towards girls. I hate most all of them. lol Most all of my friends are all guys, except for my very best friend in the world, Alyssa :) I love her and don't know what i would do without her.

My life is crazy. Most people think that they know me, but really only a few people know anything about me. I'm actually 9 months pregnant right now, so yes, i could have a baby at any minute. They don't know my actual due date, which sucks...because I'm still going to school everyday and living my daily routine life. The original date, based on my period, was Feb 4th., as in like..tomorrow(thursday). But now, the date has been changed to March 5th, judging by the ultrasound. But there's no way that it'll be that long. I have another ultrasound next Friday..if I don't have the baby before then..lol, and that will give them a better idea.

The baby is a girl and her name is going to be Morgan Dawn Paige. Morgan comes from my grandpa, Dawn, comes from me, and my grandma, and Paige comes from my best friend. I am really scared to go through this, I mean, what halfway sane person wouldn't be? But at the same time, I am beginning to get more and more excited about her coming everyday. She is going to be so spoiled. I worry that with me being so young if I'll be a good mother to her. Everyone seems to think that I'll be great, but I'm nervous. I am gonna have to support another human being, one that's part of me, she's my daughter, and I'm her mother. It's just all overwhelming to me.

I had a boyfriend, previously mentioned above. His name was Calvin Barnett. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met in my life, and I mean that. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, and the relationship we had was also my longest, even thought it only lasted 4 months. The 4 months we were together were amazing, perhaps the happiest times of my life. I know 4 months isn't a long time to date someone really, but for me, 4 months with a guy, that's a long time. I've had tons of boyfriends, but Calvin was my first true boyfriend, and first true love. He's t he only boy I have ever said "I love you" to and meant it, and the only one I've eveer said it first. Most of the time, a guy says "I love you" and I dont wanna be mean, so I automatically say "I love you too", and never truly mean it. Most of my relationships lasted about 2-3 weeks tops. And they weren't great, happy relationships. My boyfriends and I would argue and fight all the time, Calvin and I never done that. We never had disagreements really, except for when it came to the Bible and God, but we never fought over anything. We just kind of debated about the Bible. The only time I was ever truly upset with him about anything was when I found out he had been looking at porn. To me, looking at porn just isn't right, it's not something that you should do, especially if you're in a relationship. And that's not really why I got upset, I know and understand that guys look at porn. I got upset because I felt like I had been lied to, because before I found this out, I had asked him before if he was still doing it, and he had told me no. So then I found out that he had, and i was really upset. But I got over that in just a little bit, actually the next day I was alright. He was never upset with me except for once. And that was it, our whole relationship was great.

We only broke up because I'm having a baby. At first he said the reason was because he felt that it would be best for both me and the baby if we weren't together that way I could focus all my attention on the baby. He felt like I wouldn't have time to be with him at all, I would be busy 24/7 with the baby. I told him my parents are gonna help me take care of her, and if he came over to hang out, we could still be us, it would just be a little bit different. And he's given me other reasons for it, but recently I have began to believe that the main reason for us not being able to be together is his parents. I know that this parents judge me and have said things about me, and it hurts, because they don't even know me. But I guess that I'll have to learn to live with that kind of stuff, cause people are always gonna do that.

Me and Calvin are still really great friends, but I still want it to be more than that. And even if I know that it can't I'll settle for being just friends, because to me, being just friends is better than nothing at all, and that gives me a little bit of hop that maybe we can be together again sometime. But part of me also thinks that if maybe we weren't friends, then it would be a LOT easier on me, with getting over him, moving on and being okay, cause with us being 'just friends' I still want more, and I have to pretend like I'm ok, when in reality I just wanna break down and cry. That's all I accomplish anytime we talk on the phone it seems. Tonight wasn't as bad though, I cried a little bit, but then we just kinda started reminiscing about the happy, wonderful things in our relationship.

Calvin was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I was also his first 'real' girlfriend. When we got together, Calvin had never even kissed a girl. It was so cute :) It was kinda weird for me at first, being with him, cause I'd never dated a guy like that. But things turned out great. We were talking about everything in our relationship, and how i remember all the tiny little details, and the things that happened. I remember our very first kiss. We were standing outside Mr. Rollyson's classroom, Calvin's first period class, and he kissed me. It was awkward, but I loved it. Calvin said that he was so nervous that day, he was worried that I would think he was a bad kisser. And he brought up the time that he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, that was before we started going out, but only by like, a few days.
It was a half day of school, homecoming game that night, so it was a Friday. He is in my 4th period class, and after the pep rally we were sent back to 4th period, he ran up behind me and smacked me on the butt, kinda hard, it hurt. lol Everyhitng about our relationship was wonderful I remember, well my mom reminded me of this, but I remembered it once she did, that one day when we went into Kroger after soccer practice (Calvin works at Kroger.) Calvin was working and when I seen him I told my mom that he was gonna be my next boyfriend, my mom was just like yeah, whatever Ayla. But I was right. He became my boyfriend shortly after that. :) I just wish that everything could go back to how it was with us before. I think that if we had ended on different terms, like one of us began to hate the other, then it wouldn't be so hard, but the emotional attachment that's between us is still so great and so strong, it makes it harder on both of us.

Well, I'm beginning to get kinda tired, so I'm done blogging for the night. Goodnight world :)